Many of us who had challenging childhoods are determined to do better for our kids. Whether it was a traumatic divorce or growing up in a strict, disciplinarian household, the desire to avoid repeating the pain we experienced can be a powerful motivator. But sometimes, in our effort to swing the pendulum the other way, we lose sight of where we are today and forget to evaluate the lessons—both good and bad—that brought us here.

Before we throw the baby out with the bathwater, let’s take a moment to reflect. There’s something deeply transformative about looking for the silver linings in our past. Even in difficult circumstances, there are often valuable lessons that can guide us in our parenting journey.

The Danger of the Pendulum Swing

Take, for example, a mom I spoke with who grew up in a home where she was required to do excessive chores. Her parents never consulted her or sought her input, and it left her feeling undervalued and resentful. As a result, she made a decision: her children wouldn’t do any chores.

But when I asked her how her children would learn to contribute to a household, she paused. The solution she had chosen—no chores at all—wasn’t aligned with the ultimate goal of raising capable, responsible adults. What she disliked about her experience wasn’t the chores themselves, but the lack of communication and collaboration. By separating the negative aspects from the positive, she could create a balanced approach for her own family.

Finding the Silver Linings

Reflecting on our past isn’t about excusing the pain or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about identifying what worked, what didn’t, and what we can carry forward. This process gives us clarity and helps us avoid parenting out of reaction.

Here’s a personal example: I’ve often said, “The biggest lesson I learned from my parents is what not to do as a mother.” Growing up with parents who divorced each other twice taught me a lot about what I didn’t want for my family. But it would be unfair to ignore what they got right.

• My father taught me the basics of communication and working with people at a young age. Those lessons have stayed with me and shaped my approach to relationships to this day. This is just one example; there are many more lessons I learned from him.
• My mother spent hours helping me with school assignments. I still remember a project we did together about South Africa. We talked about the day I would go there to see the animals, and I’ve been fortunate to make that dream come true three times now. This is just one example of the many ways she invested in me and taught me valuable lessons.

These moments, though overshadowed by other challenges, are part of the foundation that makes me who I am today. By focusing on the silver linings, I’ve been able to build on the good while leaving behind the patterns that didn’t serve me.

Parenting with Purpose

The key to breaking cycles and creating a better experience for our children lies in setting clear goals. Ask yourself:

1. What do I want my children to have by the time they’re ready to be on their own?
• Example: Independence, resilience, strong communication skills.
2. What lessons from my past can I use to guide me?
• Example: If I learned hard work through chores, how can I pass that on in a healthier way?
3. What patterns or behaviors do I want to leave behind?
• Example: A lack of communication or a punitive approach to discipline.

Doing It Better

By taking the time to evaluate your past and define your goals, you can approach parenting with intention. You’re not just reacting to what you didn’t like; you’re building something better. Instead of letting the pendulum swing wildly, you’re finding balance—keeping the best parts of your experiences while improving on the rest.

Remember, your past doesn’t define your parenting, but it can inform it. There’s power in taking what you’ve learned, even from the hard moments, and using it to create a present that aligns with your values and vision.

So, as you think about your own childhood, what are the silver linings you can carry forward? And what are the new goals you’ll set to ensure your children have the foundation they need to thrive?