Oh, so you want to raise a criminal? Good news! Parenting in a way that guarantees your child grows up with a complete lack of respect for boundaries, hard work, or accountability is actually very easy! No special skills required, just a few strategic omissions in the areas of responsibility, goal-setting, and household contribution, and you’ll have yourself an aimless adult who sees no need to bother with, you know, life.

But remember, raising a real rule-breaker requires dedication! Below, you’ll find your top parenting strategies to produce an entitled, directionless, and totally self-centered human being.

Step 1: Absolutely No Household Contributions – “Let Kids Be Kids”

Who needs chores? Childhood should be about fun, not learning to pitch in around the house. Encourage your child to live as if the dishwasher loads itself, and the laundry folds on its own. This will instill in them a deeply ingrained belief that their only role in life is to relax while others do the hard work.

After all, nothing builds character quite like watching other people work while you relax. And think of the lessons in entitlement they’ll get! It’s perfect for the child destined to become an adult who scoffs at the mere mention of “teamwork” or “pulling their own weight.”

Step 2: Goals Are Overrated – Who Needs ‘Em?

If you want your child to feel completely adrift in life, ensure that they set absolutely no goals. Keep the bar nice and low—don’t talk about dreams, aspirations, or achievements. Instead, encourage them to simply exist without aim or direction. Remember, ambition leads to expectations, and we certainly wouldn’t want to saddle them with those!

A life without goals ensures they’ll grow up with absolutely no idea how to delay gratification, set priorities, or achieve anything worthwhile. Perfect! They'll be pros at finding the easiest, laziest path through any situation, including those tricky moral dilemmas where shortcuts might land them in, say, jail.

Step 3: Skip All Lessons on “Give and Take” – Just Give, Give, Give!

Next, make sure your child never understands the concept of “give and take.” Give them everything. They want a new game? Got it. More allowance? Why not. No need to tidy up? Of course!

Teach them that life is one big “yes” to every desire they have—no questions asked. This way, they’ll grow up with the essential understanding that other people exist purely to serve them. And later, when they encounter this wild notion that relationships involve both giving and receiving, they’ll be completely perplexed. Perfect criminal mindset!

Step 4: Boundaries Are Just Suggestions

Rules are overrated anyway. If your child wants to break a rule or two, go ahead and let them! It’s important that they learn early that boundaries are for everyone else, not them. After all, they’re special—and rules are for those who don’t quite measure up.

When it comes to discipline, be sure to ignore any “bad behavior.” Don’t mention consequences or explain why certain actions aren’t okay. After all, what good would it do to have them respect a boundary? We’re trying to raise a rule-breaker here, so make sure they get used to the idea that any “no” is actually a “maybe,” and any consequence is up for negotiation.

Step 5: Put Yourself on the Bottom of the Family Ladder

Make sure your child believes they’re the undisputed ruler of your household. Sacrifice every single one of your own needs and desires for them—don’t ask for respect or reciprocity. This helps build an unbreakable sense of superiority in them, so they’ll grow up without the slightest thought for how others feel.

This one’s particularly helpful if you’re aiming for a future adult with a slightly narcissistic edge. After all, it’s hard to raise a person who cares about others if you model absolute self-neglect!

Your Entitled, Goal-Free, Law-Defying Prodigy Awaits!

By following these five simple rules, you’re well on your way to raising an adult who lives by the mantra, “Why follow the rules when you can make your own?” When you avoid all this nonsense about contribution, accountability, and limits, you’re setting up your child to become the kind of person who walks through life assuming they’re owed something—preferably everything—and isn’t afraid to cut corners to get it.