The Silent Treatment: Breaking Generational Cycles

Parenting is a complex journey, filled with challenges and triumphs. However, there's one aspect of parenting that often weighs heavily on our hearts – the use of the silent treatment as a form of punishment. It's a tactic that can have devastating consequences on the parent-child relationship, leaving scars that may last a lifetime. Breaking generational cycles can be difficult.  Having the correct mindset is imperative. 

Understanding the Silent Treatment:

Have you ever been on the receipt end of the silent treatment?

As a child and daughter, I have been on both ends.  I had to mend my emotional trauma and responsibilities.  When I had children, I decided that I would never treat my children that way.  I simply found it to be unacceptable as it was more important to me to have a strong unbreakable family that could prevail over the test of time.  Children learn through mimicry, I knew that if there was something that was traumatic to me then I could not ever do it to them. 

The silent treatment, characterized by withdrawing communication and emotional connection, can have profound effects on a child's well-being. I vividly recall a student of mine who endured this form of punishment from her mother, and the impact was heart-wrenching. The child became fearful, walking on eggshells, and the bond between mother and daughter suffered. This is a moment where actions were much stronger and much louder than words.  She would be in tears at my desk asking me what she should do.  This was a tough moment as an educator because getting between a parent/child relationship can be one of the biggest mistakes.  I asked her to write her mother a letter that communicated how she felt and how she could take responsibility for the actions that upset her mother.  It worked! 

My take away is always more communication, never less -- NO MATTER WHAT.   

The Importance of Communication:

In the animal kingdom, we often see strong bonds between parents and their offspring, from newborns to full adulthood. Look at the momma lioness when handling her cubs, she can be quite stern but will always complete her discipline with love and nurturing. In our human families, this communication bond is just as vital. It's the lifeline that keeps our relationships healthy and strong.  Close familial bonds rely on constant communication, nurturing trust, love, and friendship. 

The Destructive Nature of Silence:

The silent treatment can leave a child feeling isolated, unloved, and anxious. It sends the message that their parent is unavailable emotionally and unwilling to address their concerns. This not only erodes trust but can lead to long-lasting emotional wounds.

Healthy Alternatives:

Instead of resorting to silence, consider these alternatives when facing challenging behavior:

• A Mommy Timeout: It's okay to take a moment.  For example, if you are in the car and feeling frustrated. Pull the car over and take a moment to have good eye contact.  Tell your child that you need a time out.  Give your child something to eat and tell them that we are going to get to our [destination] and then will discuss.  You are no longer making your child wrong for their behavior, your just are avoiding your own over-reaction. 
• Open Dialogue: Encourage open and honest conversations with your child. Let them express their feelings and concerns, and truly listen to what they have to say. Here's an example, children like to finish what they are in the middle of.  This is not always possible in the busy lives we have.  Let your child know that you will try your best to give them a heads up prior to having to stop.  You can also tell them that they can come back to it.  Try as much as possible to predict so that they do not feel like they are being jostled about and have no say.
• Problem-Solving: Work together to find solutions to the issues at hand. Involve your child in finding resolutions, which fosters a sense of responsibility and empowerment. Take up the problem you are trying to solve.  For example, let's say you gave a time limit for screen time and when you said time is up your child had a meltdown.  Consult them on how they could better handle it.  I remember getting a kitchen timer (but it was a lego man) and that would be next to my son when having a time limit.  He was able to see for himself how much time he had.  This was very helpful.  
• Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate boundaries and expectations, and be consistent in enforcing them. Children need structure to thrive. When we posted a schedule on the fridge my children had prediction.  I was always trying to help them to learn how to run their life.  
• Managing emotions: Help your child develop emotional intelligence by teaching them healthy ways to express and manage their emotions. Remember that it is okay to have emotions and by helping your child towards being in control of these emotions he will be set up for a happier and more successful life. This was one of the toughest areas for me, yes I have told my kids to "knock it off" or "snap out of it" and from experience, I can say that it never worked.  There are no magical words.  My biggest advice is to predict when your child is tired, over-stimulated, hungry, etc and to manage your time with this in mind.  Sometimes we cannot change our lives so easily, so that's when I would give myself a timer.  For example, having to go grocery shopping, we didn't have Instacart nor Amazon back then, I would give my kids something they could eat while I moved quickly through the store.  There was no time for dilly dallying. 

My biggest take away when I was raising my children was that I was I had the point of view that they were adults in training.  I wanted them to view adulthood as a good thing, not treacherous.  Sure there are more responsibilities as an adult but I would also point out the balance of privileges.  

Our role as parents is to nurture the unbreakable bonds that will carry our children through life's challenges. Communication is the cornerstone of these bonds, and it's our responsibility to keep the lines of dialogue open and strong.

The silent treatment is a harmful form of punishment that can have lasting negative effects on parent-child relationships. Instead of resorting to silence, let us strive to create an environment of open communication, trust, and love. By doing so, we not only nurture our children's emotional well-being but also set an example of healthy relationships that they can carry into adulthood.